Current mood:

ecstatic

look at me starting to be healthy!
Check it out.

Even though I feel like I could write more tonight, I'm choosing not to (trying to choose not to!) because I know that I'm really tired and that I did a ton of stuff today and I have this theory that if I do nice relaxing things instead and then go to bed, I can be enthusiastic about writing and it'll be easier tomorrow. Than the usual grind of constantly trying to do as much work as possible and then not being able to and having it all be either 3000+ words a day or nothing.

I also have this companion theory that maybe the best way to do this is to pay attention to how I feel and always have a sort of basic desired minimum of good feeling. Like, right now I'm in a good mood and I have the heat on and the food I bought and I finished two knitting projects (!!! scarf scarf finally scarf! tassels and all!) and I learned interesting things in class and blah blah, and I'm also really tired and I am hungry and so on. It's easy for me to ignore those things and be like "i'm intellectually alert! i feel creative! i should write!" But maaaaaaaybe if i DIDN'T ignore those things, I wouldn't get to the place of "I'm totally triggered by what I'm writing! I'm stressed out! I am wandering around the house wanting to take a nap but I have more stuff to do!"

Balance. Theoretical balance. And on top of that, usually it's late at night when I'm all "okay! things feel good! I am tired but there's so much interesting stuff to do!" and the middle of the day when I'm like "aa! too much to do today!" I want to change that so that it's calm all the time.

Novembers have become such an interesting time of CHANGE for me since Nanowrimo. didja know that it was the day after my first Nanowrimo ended that I first went to a 12-step group? it's true! Hey, that means that I get another year after each one! I never thought of that. This December 1st I will have 2 years!!

I read a book that suggested that it takes two years of recovery for people's lives to approach livable, sort of. liveable? whatever. For things to get appreciably better. I think that's kind of GRIM and it's definitely not my experience :) but it still makes it a more exciting milestone.

and i get another big heavy chip in CoDA then! I wish stupid SIA got stupid chips. It WILLLLLL though. You just WATCH.

I hope my sponsor will be back then. I mean, she is, but maybe right before that? the moral here is that I forgot where I put my datebook.

Also:

22,019 / 50,000 (44.0%)

Jesus, 44.0%. That's insane. That actually makes me feel like I can finish this :) I don't know why I keep going back and forth about that. It's the whole "all or nothing" thing. Like I either have to be working as hard as my hardest work on this, or not at all. And then I think "well, I just have to work as hard as I have been to finish! just about!" and then I think "But that's such hard work!" because all I think about is the sitting here writing for four hours or whatever, not the parts where I'm doing other things for days at a time!! I can only focus on one thing. that must be what that addiction theory woman meant by "tunnel vision"!